CHATTANOOGA, TENN. — AAA predicts that 43 million Americans will take to the roads with their families to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. It also predicts that upwards of eight million of them will still be talking to each other by the time they reach their aunt’s house.
It is the time of year when 80-year-old Wal-Mart greeters are trampled when the doors open for Black Friday. These greeters are members of our “Greatest Generation.” They stopped Hitler’s Nazi army, took Iwo Jima, and stopped North Korea’s advance, but annually they get completely overrun by hefty, middle-aged women looking to buy a waffle iron for $12.99.
It has been an epic year for us op-ed humor writers. At this point in the year, I give thanks for those buffoons, reprobates, scalawags and scoundrels who made my job easier in 2013.
Special thanks to Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Mayor Filner of San Diego and, of course, the gift that keeps on giving: the Honorable Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford — the most embarrassing Ford since the Edsel.
We should also be thankful for America's human drone, John Kerry, who circled the globe in pursuit of peace. Hearing John Kerry talk makes waterboarding feel like a gentle neck massage. After listening to him for a while, Iran would have signed anything.
Secretary of State Kerry should be commended for his disarmament deal. If diplomacy goes well, it's likely that he will have George Zimmerman disarmed by Christmas.
I am thankful that the Washington, D.C., “PC Police” have applied pressure to change the name of their NFL team from the Washington Redskins to something more menacing, like the “Regulating Bureaucrats.” I hope the Redskins’ owners will react to this pressure by changing the team's name — to the Virginia Redskins.
Pretty soon the NFL will ban the shotgun formation, the run-and-gun offense, and any quarterback with a rifle arm who throws the bomb.
This is the same D.C. City Council that ordered police to set up a prostitution-free area in certain blocks surrounding the president’s inauguration ceremonies. D.C. is so corrupt that it designates particular areas of town where people have to obey the law.
I am thankful the Occupy Wall Street crowd no longer objects to capitalist holidays. After protesting outside a Colorado Wal-Mart, these anti-free enterprise activists learned they could buy a GameBoy for only $188. Couple that with legalized pot, and these guys have not left their couches in two years.
I want to thank my Stanford buddies who hosted us at the Oregon football game this year. After the win, Stanford got close to admission in the BCS, then the parents of the players made some calls, and Stanford got in.
Mayor Bloomberg ended his tiny reign of New York. He will be known for ridding the town of 16-ounce drinks, telling people what they can eat, and limiting loud music on headphones (in short, pretty much the plot of “Footloose”).
It was on Thanksgiving just a few years ago when Tiger Woods sped out of his driveway and hit a tree; 12 bimbos fell out. At the time, he was the top golfer in the world, but he has fallen off the map until recently. I think he was in the Mistress Protection Program. He has resurfaced and is dating skier Lindsey Vonn. I just hope Tiger does not blow this one when he is invited to the Vonn home for Thanksgiving, is asked to bring his favorite side dish, and shows up with an IHOP hostess.
Let’s be thankful the stock market made record highs. Yes, Obama is an envy-driven, business-hating socialist intent on destroying capitalism, but, as with ObamaCare, he is so inept at it that Wall Street loves him.
We should be thankful for the new Pope. He is a humble man — this according to his publicist. He carried his own bags and checked himself out of the Vatican hotel when he was elected Pope. He challenged the mini-bar charge, so he’s one of us.
There was a time this year when the government was shut down and we had no Pope — which is really why the Pilgrims came here in the first place.
Ron Hart, a libertarian syndicated op-ed humorist, award-winning author and TV/radio commentator can be reached at Ron@RonaldHart.com or visit www.RonaldHart.com.