Caution, readers! The following may not cause excessive laughter, but the smiles and groans will be deafening! Nobody ever said that we are going to get out of this life alive! So get as many laughs, groans and chuckles as you can.
· A lady friend of mine said her idea of a Super Bowl is one that cleans itself.
· Which football player smells the best? Which football player gives refunds? Why does the center end up with tired legs? Why did the quarterback need crayons for the game? ANSWERS: the right guard; quarterback; he spend all day “hiking;” In case he calls a “draw” play.
· No joke! Did you know that the Super Bowl losers' championship hats are shipped to Uganda, Sierra Leone and Nigeria? The footballs, meanwhile, are made in Ada, Ohio.
· Are you a groan-up? If so consider this local news: Matt Algarin did a piece in a recent Destin Log about the city of Destin at odds with strip club owners. Was that the “naked” truth? His column was “brief.” Do they have dress rehearsals at these clubs for the dancers?
“My dog has no legs! I call him ‘cigarette!’
“Why do you call him, cigarette?” asked the bartender.
“Because every night, I take him out for a drag!”
A couple had been married 30 years and the wife asked him to describe her.
He looked at her slowly and said, “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J and K!”
“What does this mean?” she asked, blushing.
“Well, A stands for adorable and B is beautiful, while C is cute. D represents delightful while E is exciting. F, of course, is funny.
G stands for gorgeous and H is hot!”
“Oh, that is so wonderful of you to say that! But, what about I, J and K?” she inquired.
He replied, “I'm just kidding!”
His eye is still swollen but will get better so that he can see through it someday soon.
I once asked a farmer about manure and how important it was to her crop. She said, “It does no good if you don't spread it around!” I feel the same way about humor. There are so many good stories out there and should be spread around. I have compiled “goodies” from many sources and am just sharing some of them with you. I recommend the bathroom reader books and a book called “Great One Liners.”
Remember, those who laugh, last! Those who don’t laugh miss the joke. As John Paul Sartre once said, “To do is to be!” Bertrand Russell said, “To be is to do!” Frank Sinatra, on the other hand, said, “Do bee do be do!”
OLDER AND WISER HUMOR
The metal age of growing older
Silver in our hair
Gold in our teeth
Lead in our pants
Iron in our veins
The five Bs of getting old
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa. McAlpine is hosting Funology (laughter, fun and trivia) Mondays at 10 a.m. at the Senior Center next to the Destin History and Fishing Museum. He’ll also be writing a weekly humor column on Wednesdays with The Destin Log through his stay in February. Submit your jokes or smiles to email@example.com