Golf is a lot like taxes. We drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.
Isn't golf a lovely game? We can hit a Titlist from the tee and play a Noodle from the rough.
I go swimming once or twice daily; either that, or use a new golf ball.
Golfers' Diet — stay on the greens.
Only the very best golfers get to play in the Masters in Augusta. Every time they address the ball, here comes “A-Gust-A" wind.
Never pick up a lost ball on the golf course until it stops rolling.
My wife told me to go and play golf but to avoid the beer hazard — the 19th hole.
Golf is a lot of walking broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
I asked my golf pro how I could cut six strokes off my golf game and she said, "quit after 17 holes."
Golf is a game where we yell fore, shoot six and write down five.
I went golfing and tried to shoot my age. But instead, I shot my weight.
Barry — "There is an amazing golf ball that comes equipped with noises and lights so that it simply can't be lost, no matter where you hit it. It evens floats, so that you can knock it in the water hazard and still retrieve it."
Neil — "That's fantastic. Where'd you buy it?
Barry — “Oh, I didn't buy it. I found it on the course."
I stopped playing golf with bankers. Every time I yell "fore" he yells, "closure."
I'm getting pretty good at golf now. I can hit the ball almost as far as I can throw my clubs.
A golfer was having a miserable day on the course. So many bogeys and double bogeys and on the 18th green he was two feet away from the pin and triple putted. He exploded and threw his putter in the air and started to cry. "I'm going to give it up," he moaned.
Another golfer hearing this, said, "Don't take it so hard. It's only a game. You will do better the next time."
"Oh no, the man replied, I'm not giving up golf. I'm giving up my ministry. "
The difference between golf and bowling — you never lose a bowling ball.
I'm not saying that my golf game went bad, but, if I grew tomatoes, they would come up sliced.
Thank goodness I work out in the gym daily. The divots that I take are getting heavier than ever.
My golf game improves when I have control of the score card.
After the honeymoon, the new wife told the husband, “I think it is time you stop playing golf. As a matter of fact, you might as well sell your clubs.”
The hubby replied, "You are starting to sound like my ex-wife."
She was startled with that and said, “I thought you said you were never married before."
Hubby replied, "I haven't been. "
PUNNY GOLF SONGS
This sand is your sand this sand is my sand
Thank God I'm a country club boy
Fairway to Heaven
Harper Valley PGA.
Love is a Many Splendored Ping
When you Wish Upon A Par
Bye, Bye Birdie
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa. Submit your jokes or smiles to firstname.lastname@example.org.