This fellow had two tickets to the Super Bowl. Box seats at $3,500 a pop with transportation to the game, to and from the airport, dinner and a $400 bar tab. Included as well is the opportunity to go into the winning locker room after the game.
The problem is I bought the tickets last year and didn't realize that I would be getting married when the game was being played. "I want someone to take my place." It is at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley, about 5 feet 4 inches and 115 pounds. She is good looking and is a great cook and has my truck to use. She'll be the one in the white dress."
The best animals in football are score-pians.
When I played football, I always had trouble with the screen pass. The ball wouldn't go through.
The cheapest football player on the field is the "tight" end.
This player never eats before the game — the full-back.
Does the left guard use Right Guard deodorant?
The center on the team is always making "snap" decisions.
What 80 guys are definitely watching the Super Bowl? The Vikings and Jaguars.
Next year the coaches of the Vikings and Jaguars will not allow their players to eat cereal before the big game. When they see a bowl, they choke.
Heard that the Philly coach raised the urinals in the locker room so that his players would be on their toes.
A father brought his daughter to the Super Bowl and in front of them sat six bald guys. The daughter asked her father how that was so and he replied, "They must have gotten their tickets from ‘scalpers.’”
After a tiring game in the rain, the referees go and "wet their whistles.”
The refs used for the big game are much like the Seven Dwarfs — they can whistle while they work.
We attended the big game last year and some fellows were imbibing several drinks. In front of them sat several nuns, so they felt they would like to have some fun with them.
One of them shouted down to them, “Why don't you go to Iowa, there are only 20 percent Christians there." Then again, why don't you go to Utah, only 12 percent Christians there.
One of the sisters turned around and shouted, "Why don't you go to Hell, there aren't any Christians there."
Losing money in a payphone is much like a football game. If you don't get the quarterback then you hit the receiver.
One of the quarterbacks will have his receivers cross at midfield. He will be trying to make both ends meet.
The New England coach likes punters because they put their best foot forward.
I feel better now knowing that I have completed my res-pun-sibilty to football fans. Enjoy the game.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa. Submit your jokes or smiles to firstname.lastname@example.org.