RON HART: Massa of his domain: Political intrigue and tickling

"In the Navy,
Yes, you can sail the seven seas  
In the Navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease...
In the Navy, in the Navy, in the Navy"
— The Village People

NEW YORK CITY — Politicians often make my job too easy.  Now we have the curious case of former Congressman and Navy tickle champion Eric Massa (D-NY). In a city full of accomplished liars and reprobates like Washington, D.C., Massa has managed to distinguish himself.

In just days, Eric Massa became the New York Democratic Party’s biggest political embarrassment. Even in our TMZ-era of politics, Massa lowered the awkwardness threshold.  This latest scandal follows on the heels of Gov. David Patterson’s forced step-aside after rumors his office was rife with graft, corruption, casual inter-office sex and marijuana use. On the positive side, Patterson’s staffers were never late for work.

Remember, Patterson himself followed Eliot Spitzer, who resigned after it was revealed that he was a hooker enthusiast. Had these charges against Massa not surfaced so early, he was a shoe-in to be the next governor of the Empire State.  In short, that bastion of liberal Democrats, New York, is on a roll. I wonder if Rahm Emanuel-Lewis and the Democrats would have outed him if Massa had agreed to vote for ObamaCare.

Eric Massa’s bumbling replies to accusations that he groped male staffers achieved a CNN first: He made Larry King look lucid in an interview.

In fairness to Massa (and as he is quick to point out), the alleged groping took place on his 50th birthday.  For all you frugal male friends of Massa who don’t know what to get him for his 51st birthday, you can’t go wrong with letting him tickle you for an hour. Others of you may want to join me in getting him a cake and asking former Sen. Larry Craig to pop out.

Massa also told the media, while dodging the question himself, to “ask his wife if he was gay.” I am no political strategist, but I would imagine after 25 years of marriage she is probably in on this gig. I did some rare research and determined that Eric Massa has fathered two children with his wife: one right after the Burt Reynolds semi-nude centerfold came out in Cosmo magazine, and the other shortly after Scott Brown’s magazine photo appeared in1982.

After leaving the Naval Academy in 1981, he spent several vividly memorable years “on a ship with 10,000 men.” Massa left the Navy after his dream of being a Rear Admiral was crushed; he learned that it was an actual leadership position.

I am not sure what makes our great Navy the military branch of choice for failed Democrats. Remember Jimmy Carter and John Kerry. The Navy will continue to outshine some of its more dubious alumni like Messrs. Kerry, Carter, and Eric “Massager” Massa. Maybe Pelosi can use Massa to tickle terrorists for information instead of the method she abhors, water-boarding.

Nanny “Drain the Swamp” Pelosi was slow to react to the Massa situation, citing a three-month ethics investigation. The Democrats have had ongoing “ethics investigations” into both Massa and Charlie “Weekend at Donors” Rangel. Pelosi found it hard to act on the investigation, since not a trace of actual ethics has been uncovered.

To Pelosi, who represents transvestites’ and dominatrixes’ interests in her San Francisco district, accusations against Massa probably seem so mild that they would qualify him to be in a Norman Rockwell painting of Castro Street.  

Like Elliot Spitzer, I predict Massa will make a political comeback. He might plead the case that he was fiscally conservative while in Congress and saved the country money on earmarks by simply turning over a page.

A syndicated libertarian op-ed humorist, Hart’s columns appear in 40 papers nationwide.  
His recent book is available on Amazon or at www.RonaldHart.com. His email is Ron@RonaldHart.com