It’s time for ‘Beach Etiquette for Dummies’

You’ve probably seen the plethora of books entitled “Such and Such for Dummies.”

For instance, there's “Spanish for Dummies,” “Microsoft Office for Dummies,” “Taxes for Dummies”, etc.
I'd like to add “Beach Etiquette for Dummies” to the list.

I'll work my way into beach etiquette by way of football. Whether played in the stadium, the back yard or on the beach, rules apply. Thus, it is my duty to inform beach football players to adhere to the following.

First: When you play with the pigskin, ensure you aren't committing target practice at innocent sunbathers (watch your aim).

Two: Have your football game as far away from the sun worshipper populace as possible. Sun bathers don't want a ball in the face or a coating of sand.

Three: Employ the courtesy of allowing bronzed beach bums to trudge on through.

Here's the rest of “Beach Etiquette for Dummies,” as proposed by Destin beach lover Cynthia Burton (a.k.a. the “Sand Witch”).

Please take these suggestions in the spirit they're intended: to help make your beach visit safer and more enjoyable. Apply your sunscreen, grab your shades, lay the football aside and read on.

1. Beach sports. I already touched on football, and those rules apply to all beach sports (baseball, soccer, volleyball, horse shoes, Frisbee, tag, kite flying, etc.).

2. Keep your sand to yourself. Don't shake your beach towel all over an unsuspecting neighbor and don't perform a solo of “Shake Your Booty.”

3. Don't litter. Duh!

4. Don't blast your tunes. Not everyone loves country music or rock or rap. So play your favorite music at an acceptable level or break out the Ipod.

5. Don't throw sand. Didn't your mama warn you that a BB gun could put your eye out? So can sand.

6. No glass on the beach. I prefer a bottle instead of a can of beer, but beach believers don't want a nasty flesh wound. Buy beer in plastic bottles (yes, they make them) or put your ale in an alternative container. Then you can have your brew and drink it, too!

7. Do not under any circumstances untie your dental floss bikini top thinking no one will pour ice or water on your back to expose your chest. You untie it, you entice it. Footnote: Don't cry when you're caught on video and are featured on “Beach Babes Gone Wild.”

8. Don't feed the wildlife. Wildlife includes sea gulls, sand pipers, turtles, sharks, crabs, strangers, etc. Don't wave your French fries in the air expecting a gull to swoop down gracefully. Those killer gulls will take your finger with the fries if they have to (would you like fries with that finger, mister?) Then they'll poop on you to say “thanks very much!” If you swim far off shore during peak shark feeding hours (that's 24/7), you may become shark bait. Can you say “Jaws?”

9. Please don't sport a Speedo unless you're a professional bodybuilder, an exercise addict or an Abercrombie model.

10. Don't forget the sunscreen. If you're pale, you'll look like hell (i.e. red). Slather on the SPF 50 and apply liberally all day.

11. Hats, visors and sun glasses are optional, but I recommend at least one of them.

12. Don't say “skin cancer.” Beach lovers are keenly aware that the sun can/will cause cancer. We don't appreciate you preaching the horrors of skin cancer while we're blissfully soaking up the rays. It's like shouting, “don't eat meat!” at a slaughterhouse. It's akin to screaming, “save the trees!” at a lumber yard. Don't rub it in, sun haters.

13. We tattooed folk often get disdainful/ugly stares because of our personalized skin art. We aren't trying to hide our tattoos when we're at the beach. If you don't like tattoos, kindly avert your gaze.

14. If you can't swim, don't wade in the Gulf past your ankles. A raging rip current could sweep you off your feet before you can holler “help!”

Let's all make an effort to put beach etiquette into effect.

Happy sunbathing to all and to all a good night!

Cynthia Burton is a Destin resident and occasional Log contributor.


William Hatfield
Editor
The Destin Log
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