COLUMN: A punctilious punctuator's pet peeves

I am very proud of the recent statewide awards won by The Destin Log. I can say this without bias because I am not a staff member, nor do I get paid for the nonsense I write every Saturday. Far from being just a fish wrapper or a doggie discipline device, The Log is an excellent newspaper in my unsolicited opinion. 

As a retired English teacher, I’m most proud of the coherent writing and attention to grammar exhibited in Log articles. That’s a tough thing to accomplish. I proofread my own stuff over, and over, and over before I press “send.” But even after I submit a column, I will still catch an error that makes me cringe. Not to worry, Ms. Pam has also caught it and corrects it before I can send my revision.

So, I’m not grammatically holier than thou. I’m not a good speller, and I’m fond of fragments, especially in conversational writing. And I’ve noticed I use too many passive voice verb structures.  Worse, I confess to verbosity.

I’ve recently learned there is a National Grammar Day on March 4. The theme for celebrating the occasion is “March forth to speak well, write well, and help others do the same.”  March FORTH (get it?). And yes, I know 4th is written FOURTH.  I like homophones.

National Punctuation Day is Sept. 24. It’s a day set aside to call attention to declining standards in the English language. In response, Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten writes that it’s too late for remedy, having recently declared our language “dead” and recommending we all learn Spanish. But even Spanish grammar has its quirks.   

If you’re not ready to bury English yet, then join me and Jeff Rubin, the man behind the Punctuation Day observance, on a quest to save our national language from the damage done by emails, texting and tweeting. Here’s a sample checklist of grammatical irritants to inspire you.

The misuse of it’s and its; there, their, and they’re; to, too, and two; your and you’re; effect and affect; then and than; and accept and except.

The misspelling of congratulations (no d); a lot ( NOT alot); and weird  and weigh ( i before e except after c does not apply here).

Ignorance of commas: Smoking pets and skateboarders are prohibited. (Advise your dog to give up the cigarettes.)  

Suspicious apostrophes: We sell “fresh” sandwiches. (Beware of Salmonella.)

Unnecessary apostrophes:  Apple’s for sale, no public restroom’s (an apostrophe does not a plural make)

Missing apostrophes: Lets go to Uncle Leroys house.

I could go on.

Jeff Deck, a copy editor in New Hampshire, embarked on a three-month mission to correct America’s poor grammar habits. He and his friend Benjamin Harrison, a bookseller, took a road trip. Armed with Sharpies, red pens, Wite-Out, chalk, and more, they corrected 236 errors of the 437 they documented in public signs across the country. (They were charged with vandalism only once.) 

At the conclusion of their campaign, they co-authored The Great Typo Hunt.  I wish they had invited me. I would have loved to wield a red pen and correct the signs in grocery stores: Bannana’s, Potatoe’s, and Onyun’s. ARRRGH.

I’m a nit-picker when it comes to my own language errors as well as those of others.  When I comment online in response to various newspaper articles, I’m extremely careful to ensure my own proper spelling, vocabulary, usage, and punctuation. I do this because I can’t condemn someone else if I also commit crimes against correct communication. I’ve become so paranoid that someone will “get me back,” I rarely offer a correction unless the blunder is particularly egregious.

And speaking of online comments, many of the contributors seem to delight in criticizing the errors of various local members of the press. Ironically, I’ve observed that the person denouncing the reporter’s journalistic boo-boo(s) often makes a grammatical error himself while pointing it out.

We expect journalists and English teachers to be above making mistakes. That’s not unreasonable. But slip-ups happen. I can agree with Matthew Arnold’s comment that “Journalism is literature in a hurry.” With a week to write a column, I still make mistakes. Actual journalists sometimes have only a few minutes to file a story. 

Speak up when you see assaults on our beautiful English language, but remember the old adage, “Let him who is without (grammar) sin cast the first stone.”

Mary Ready of Destin is a twice-retired English teacher and long-time area resident. Her columns are published on Saturdays.