COLUMN: A punctilious punctuator's pet peeves

I’m sorry to give my readers (all five of you) no prior notice of the importance of this day, Sept. 24. Now you have no time to prepare special celebratory activities to mark today’s big event. Since it wasn’t printed on my Big Louie’s Pawn Shop calendar, I almost missed it myself.

Today is the eighth annual observance of National Punctuation Day. Founded in 2004 by grammar guru and former journalist Jeff Rubin, it’s a day set aside to focus attention on the declining standards in the English language. In a previous column, I lamented the lack of pride Americans seem to have in our lovely language. In response, online commenters called me “bigot,” “out-of-touch,” and “unsophisticated” because I believe that English must be respected with proper usage, and — most important — it must be maintained as our national language.

 Well, anyway, back to JEFF Rubin. I put his first name in all capitals because in another article, I called him Peter for some strange reason. He let me know of my error in a flawless and gracious email message, which also thanked me for caring about grammar and punctuation.

Rubin says that deteriorating communication skills are evident in magazines, books, retail store signs, and even in newspapers. Before our local newspapers went all Facebook on us, anonymous posters had a field day criticizing the grammar and punctuation in the columns of certain reporters. I’m fortunate to have my editor Mr. Hatfield and Pam Griffin eagle-eye my stuff before it’s published.

Rubin’s complaints are the same ones I battled for years as an English teacher. It makes me crazy to see a simple plural formed with an apostrophe. It’s “several apples,” NOT “several apple’s.” I’m also annoyed by people who use more than one exclamation point, as if everything they say is truly exciting!!! It doesn’t take a genius to remember that “it’s” is a contraction, and “its” means “belonging to it.” Also, it’s “one week’s pay” and “two weeks’ pay.”

I tell my dog to “lie down” and never “lay down” because “lie” is an intransitive verb while “lay” is a transitive verb requiring a direct object.  “LAY that pistol down, Babe; LAY that pistol down. Pistol-packing Mama, LAY that pistol down.”

And for those folks who just won’t use the possessive case in front of a gerund or use the objective case for indirect and direct objects, please write “I appreciate YOUR remembering Ted and ME with such a lovely wedding gift.” It’s not “I appreciate you remembering Ted and I …”

Telephone grammar demands, “This is she” or “Speaking.” Do not say, “This is her” when the caller asks for you by name.  Remember, too, that it’s correct to say, “It is I” and not “It’s me.” Unfortunately, using the nominative case (I) will make you sound pompous, so you may prefer to answer, “Guess who.”

There’s = There is.  They’re = They are. Their = belonging to them.

Please discriminate among (not between) too, two, and to.

I could go on, but you may have already checked me off as a ranting nut who should worry more about the economy and global warming and less about improper language usage.

However, in case you need a few suggestions on how to celebrate National Punctuation Day, I offer some, which are both simple and inexpensive:

 Go to www.NationalPunctuationDay.com and brush up on your punctuation skills.

Share punctuation peeves and photos of incorrectly punctuated signage with founder Jeff Rubin at Jeff@NationalPunctuationDay.com.

Circle the errors in your local newspaper with a red marker. If you find any in this column, please let my editor know. I will confess them in the next article.

Write an error-free letter to a friend on actual stationery with a blue or black pen.

For English teachers, assign your students to write a paragraph, using all 13 punctuation marks featured on the National Punctuation Day website. Submit entries by Sept. 30 to Jeff’s email address. He promises prizes.

For the brave and bold, correct punctuation errors on public signage. Move quickly and covertly to avoid an arrest for vandalism.

Sit quietly and ponder the succinct wisdom in the statement, “A semi-colon is not a surgical procedure.”

Punctuate and capitalize the following string of words to form three grammatically correct sentences. I’ll provide the answer in next week’s column.

That that is is that that is not is not that that is is that not so

Mary Ready of Destin is a twice-retired English teacher and long-time area resident. Her columns are published on Saturdays.