COLUMN: A Maltese muses on upcoming special election

Tooey, the small white dog with the big brain, startled me when he spoke.

I hadn’t heard as much as a yip in six years; not since I told him I was leaving journalism and returning to the practice of law. Let’s just say he didn’t approve of my career choice. He thinks lawyers should be used to line birdcages, not newspapers.

“Listen up,” he said. “You’ve got an important local election coming up to fill Ray Sansom’s old seat in the Florida House. God help them, but someone might ask your opinion. I can’t have you sounding like some cretin that climbed the wrong limb on the evolutionary tree — like our cat.

“Although I’ll probably hate myself in the morning, I’m going to ask you a question” he continued, “Who do you want to win, former Destin Mayor Craig Barker, local lawyer Matt Gaetz, former FWB Councilman Bill Garvie, former representative Jerry Melvin, or Kabe Woods with the Okaloosa Citizen’s Alliance? And tell me why?

“Barker,” I said, “Because I’ve gone fishing with him.”

“Amazing,” Tooey said. “That’s a good answer, and your superficial reasoning actually hints at why you and others should support him.”

“Because he can give me fish,” I concluded.

Tooey looked at me in disgust, the way he eyeballed toddlers who wanted to “pet the puppy.” “Let’s just say he has more to give,” he said.

“I’m predicting Melvin third. He had nearly two decades in the House and doesn’t get a do-over at 80. He can spout his populist prattle on his morning radio show.

“Garvie, doesn’t appear to have the funding to make a serious run although he’s got some name recognition. I don’t think many voters are familiar with Woods and he’s doesn’t have deep pockets either. I think the smart money is on Barker and Gaetz.

“Barker’s gotten plenty of accolades, including Mayor of the Year, but a small community as your base isn’t a plus,” Tooey said. “But where I hoped you were going with your fishing comment was that Barker is an engineer. He’s created an innovative fishing reel. Gaetz is a lawyer. He’s created a formidable political machine.

“Here it is in a nutshell,” Tooey continued, “And I’m gong to state this simply so you can understand. Engineers solve problems; lawyers create them. Engineers concoct things that improve our lives, tangible things such as flat screen TVs and duct tape. Lawyers spawn reams of paperwork and give birth to such things as the IRS tax code and red tape.”

I knew better than to interrupt and try and defend my profession. Better he bite Gaetz than me. Tooey might be barking mad, but I wasn’t.

“Lest I sell lawyers short,” he said, “they may not have invented the lawn mower, but they have improved them significantly. Where’d we be without all those brightly-colored stickers warning of a strong correlation between moving mower blades and bloody stumps?”

Tooey’s sarcastic attack on attorneys had me starting to feel sorry for Gaetz. “

“There’s also a strong correlation between the practice of law and whether you’re out of Alpo,” I said.

“Here’s the main problem,” Tooey said, “Matt’s 27 years old. He’s a pup, only three or four dog-years old.”

“He can’t help his age,” I said, “your just jealous. You’re getting a little long in the fang, And have you forgotten Barker’s nickname when first elected, ‘Councilboy?’ ”

“Seriously,” Tooey snapped, “how do you breathe and talk at the same time? Barker has logged 14 years and thousands of unpaid hours. And if you think Barker knew what he was doing that first year you’re snorting something stronger than catnip.”

“But he got experience. He watched the sly old dogs like Dewey Destin. Barker read the profusion of paper produced by city staff to prepare on the issues. He listened to constituents, came up with original ideas, some good, some bad. But if he screwed up in the early going, it was a village that suffered, not a state. All I’m saying is Gaetz needs some seasoning before heading to Tallahassee.

“Whoever is elected will have a mere 16 days before the session is over” Tooey continued, “and I don’t want some newbie voting on important bills such as whether dogs can eat at Fudpucker’s or Harbor Docks.”

 “Well I like Gaetz’s ads,” I said, “he’s a conservative that won’t back down. And he said he’s been called a Tax Killer.”

“Just be grateful Gaetz didn’t pay Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker for the rights to use “I won’t back down” as his campaign jingle,” Tooey said. “With his saturation ads, he’d have killed a great tune.”

“Well,” I said, “I still think the ads are pretty slick.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” he said. ”Now go see if the cat’s passed his hairball yet.”

John Ledbetter is a former award-winning columnist for the Log and local attorney. He can be reached by email at led@destinlawgroup.com or phone at 850-650-1040.