They say that when you wake up in the morning push your elbows out from your body and that way, if you don't strike wood, it means that you haven't been buried. You're alive.
I used to sell shoes in my younger days until the boss gave me the boot.
If you end up in HELL with someone that you don't like, where then do you tell them to go?
I named my dog, "TAX." And every time I open the door, in come tax.
I present a few books found in my doctors' office.
"How To Make Tourniques" by Hank R. Schiff
"Handling Your Emotions" by Mel N. Collie
"Knocking Your Funny Bone" by Lord Howard Hertz
As a kid playing minor league baseball, I could never hit a curve ball. Now that I am older and playing golf, curve balls are all I hit.
A lonely kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had certain criteria for a potential mate and wouldn't accept anyone who didn't meet his standards. He described his future soul mate: she must be cute, short, enjoys cold water and paddling. A few week passed and he received a letter back and in it was a picture of a penguin.
Did you know that urologists don't have to advertise..... They just open up and patients come trickling in.
If you want the best chair in the house, ya gotta move the cat.
I start running in the fall. Not all of me — just my nose. Snot funny.
If you lose a sock in the dryer, it will come back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
I finally got eight good hours of sleep but it took three days.
Bread is a lot like the sun. In rises in the yeast and settles in the waist.
Received a warning on my computer that there was an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. Do not open it. It's Spam.
It has been reported that students at chiropractic schools have a tendency to talk back.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to firstname.lastname@example.org.