Smile while you still have teeth. Life is short.
Once past 75, our big break will probably be a bone.
Are you at the age where you are old enough to know your way around, but you're not really going anywhere?
Ellen DeGeneres — "If you are having trouble sleeping at night, go sleep in the fireplace, you'll sleep like a log."
Aging has its advantages says B. Schreiber. "You can no longer read the bathroom scales."
I tried my old school uniform on today and the only thing that fit was the school tie.
They say, we older folk are pretty S.O.S. — Slower, Older and Smarter.
Remember, it's "I" before "E" except in Budweiser. I'll drink to that.
Be kind to your nieces and nephews. Someday you'll need them to smuggle booze into your retirement home.
I'm on the new "pasta" diet. I walk pasta bakery, I walk pasta candy store, I walk pasta the Dairy Queen, I walk pasta chip stand.
Birthdays are good for us. The more we have the longer we live.
Better to have halitosis than no breath at all.
Groucho Marx — "Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
Phyllis Diller — "My back goes out more than I do."
Old age — the best thing about it is that we will eventually grow out of it.
I tend to repeat myself … I tend to repeat myself.
Is happy hour for you these days a nap?
George Burns — "By the time we reach 80, we have learned pretty well everything there is to learn. Problem is, we can't remember it."
French quote — "Live your life and forget about your age."
I have a photographic memory. Trouble is, it no longer offers same day service.
First, I was a good boy. Then I became a nice kid. Later in life a great guy and a fine man. Now, I'm just an old fart.
We may be young at heart, but we are slightly older in other places.
Seen it all, done it all but can't remember most of it.
I like to save burned out light bulbs and use them in my darkroom. (Negative outlook, maybe.)
I took my trousers to the tailor for repairs and he told me they would be ready in two days.
Went to pick them up and they were not ready. So, I sued him for "promise of breeches."
Went to the doctor and she told me that I was "iron deficient." So, I took up nail biting.
Bald men are old smoothies.
Went into one of those natural health food stores. I found out quickly that everything is natural except the prices and things taste exactly like they look too.
They are called crosswords because thousands of hubbies and wives try to solve them together.
Urologists don't have to advertise. They just open up an office and people just keep trickling in.
If you want the best chair in your house, move the cat.
Albert Dunn — "When I was young, I wanted a BMW. Now that I am older, I don't need the 'W.' "
My grandson got his lip pierced behind my back today. It was not a good place to stand while I was casting my fishing rod.
I'm upset with all the “crap" that's on TV today. It's my fault, I guess. I put the bird cage there in the first place.
As a child, I could roast marshmallows on my birthday cake. At 75, I can now roast a turkey.
I used to refer to my knees as the left one and the right one. Now, it's the good one or the bad one.
Finally got the knack of barbecuing. Got something done exactly the way I liked it — charred on the outside and pink on the inside. It was my finger.
At 75, it takes me six weeks to read the book of the month.
If my body were a car, I'd trade it for a newer model because every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leaks and the exhaust backfires.
Keep smiling. It costs nothing. One smile fits all. A smile is a carnation in the buttonhole of life.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa. Submit your jokes or smiles to firstname.lastname@example.org