I found out that in 2017, it was better to be a daughter of a butterfly than a son of a bee.
We took a trip to Vegas last year and when we entered the plane, the pilot greeted us with a grin from ear to ear. When asked why, he replied,"I'm accumulating my frequent flyer smiles."
It sure would be appreciated if the person who took my stepladder last year returns it or further steps will be taken
My shoemaker refused to repair my shoe last year. He claimed "he didn't want to add in sole to injury."
I bought a Steinway piano last year and Mr. Steinway came to our house and took his name off the piano.
Found out that Ash Wednesday was proceeded by Volcanic Tuesday.
There was a Beatles' reunion concert in 2017 and when I attended, they wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. They said "there was no John."
In 2017, I entered a seniors' contest for who had the most prominent veins. I didn't win but came varicose.
Actually got fired from a calendar factory when I took a day off.
All last year we sat around making sweaters. Now, we are a very close knit family.
Wasn't too happy with our cleaning lady. She was always demanding a tidy fee.
I applied for a student loan and guess what? They sent me three students.
We tried to save toilet paper in 2017 by using both sides.
Would you believe I had an operation in 2017? It was for a-pun-dicitis.
This pirate friend of mine wrote his wooden leg into his will in 2017. Said it was his leg-acy.
Every day in 2017, I got up, took a shower and got dressed. I called it my retirement triathlon.
Took nude painting up in 2017 ... only thing I wound up with was a cold, and that's the naked truth.
For telling bad jokes in 2017, I was sentenced to six months in the pun-itentiary.
Last year, I refused to wear a cardboard paper belt. To me, it was a waist of paper.
Last year, I chose cremation instead of the traditional way of burial. It went to show that I could think outside the box.
2017 was a time to take life with a grain of salt — with a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
Last year I learned sign language. Boy, did it come in handy.
To save ink in 2017, I used a pun-cil when writing down my sillies.
To me, it was not a good year for those who had lots of graph paper. I didn't trust them, because they were always plotting things.
My neurologist really got on my nerves this past year.
Heard a few good jokes about amnesia last year, but I can't remember them.
I'm not giving blood ever again. Did it last year and it was a very draining experience.
Had a lot of plastic surgery done in 2017. As a result, I'm going to donate my body to Tupperware.
In 2017, I broke up with my gym class, there's no doubt; That I'm not what you can call real devout; It's my fault, I didn't go very often and so ... It just simply was not working out. (Kirk Miller)
As 2017 said like Lady Godiva to 2018, on Dec. 31 ... "I draw near my close-clothes."
Hope I have a better 2018.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa. Submit your jokes or smiles to email@example.com.