I planted a garden in 2017 but all I grew was tired.
Went into a restaurant that advertised "Breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. They didn't understand me.
This year, I am going to claim myself on my income taxes as a 50 percent depreciation. My wife said that I was half the man I used to be.
In 2018, I am going to eat my lunch out on the street so that I can "curb" my appetite.
Next time I visit the X-ray technician I will not lie to her. She can see right through me.
When I returned to Canada, after our stay in Florida in 2017, they caught me for smuggling in 26 bottles of wine. If I do it again they will "deport" me.
My wife stopped me from biting my teeth in 2017. She hid my teeth.
In 2018, no more telephones in the bathroom. I don't want a ring around the tub.
Last year, the sewer department called and told me that they had had just about enough out of me.
Woke up early on New Years' Day and knew it was not going to be a good year. There was a vulture outside my window.
In 2017, I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my stock broker.
Early in the new year, I asked the wife whether I should wear boxer shorts or briefs and she said, "Depends."
The Knights of Columbus and the Masons joined together in 2017 and called themselves the "Masonites."
Last December, Santa said, "Ho, Ho, Ho.” In January, I am saying, Owe Owe Owe.
The Dynamite Association held a New Year’s Eve party. It was a blast.
I hope the garbage business "picks" up in 2018.
My wife bought me one of those shop-vacs last Christmas. We went south for the winter and I put it in the basement and all it did was collect dust.
I took up nude painting last year and all I got was a cold.
I'm going to join the Book of the Year club in 2018.
I'm "kicking" myself for not taking karate lessons.
I'm going to be a vegetarian in 2018. Am going to be a good "salad" citizen.
Did you know that Tom Delay won "Procrastinator of the Year " in 2017?
To remember my silly jokes in 2018, I am going to write them on my humor-wrist.
Also going to carry plastic bags in my pants so that I can have baggy pants.
My doctor told me that I was iron deficient in 2017, ergo, I will take up nail biting in 2018.
In 2017, I went on a fish diet. I ate salmon steaks, salmon paddies, salmon coquettes, salmon sandwiches, salmon filets and poached salmon. In the spring, I am going upstream to spawn.
In 2018, I am going to wash my hands thoroughly. One never knows where the soap has been.
I promise to confront my phobia of German sausages in 2018. To be honest, I fear the “wurst."
This new year, I will keep a smile on my face. It would look silly any place else.
Will definitely eat more veggies in 2018. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.
When I give blood in the new year, I will be careful not to give 100 percent.
To lose weight, I am going to jog to the paint store because you can get "thinner" there.
Last year, they sent me to re-form school and was enrolled in aerobics.
I was fired last year at my job as a masseuse. I rubbed people the wrong way.
Would you believe that I failed my "urine" test last year?
Last year the pharmacist told me to stop taking vitamins. When asked why, she said, “It is illegal to shoplift.”
I sent my picture to the lonely hearts club and got it back in the mail. They said that they were not that desperate.
I fully intend to quit all my bad habits in 2018. But why? Nobody likes a quitter.
If you see somebody without a smile, give them one of yours.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa. Submit your jokes or smiles to email@example.com.