It was so cold last week … that hitchhikers held up pictures of their thumbs … that I called 911 and the recorded message said, "Call back in the spring. "

It was so cold that Richard Simmons started wearing long pants … that opticians were giving away free ice scrapers with every pair of new eyeglasses … that pickpockets were putting their hands in folks pockets to keep them warm … that kids came up with a new excuse to stay up later by saying that their pajamas hadn't thawed out yet.

It was so cold that snowmen were rapping on the window and asking if they could come in and get warm … that school kids would sit in the classroom and see snow falling outside and then do their “snow and tell" exercise.

It was so cold that my teeth were chattering and they weren't even in my mouth.

"Weather" you read the rest of this chilly column, I am not sure.

Heard someone say "time to kick some ice."

I edited this column carefully. I hope you "thaw" it.

Cooler heads must prevail at this time.

It was so cold here and along the Eastern Coast that people were "snow" excited.

"Snow place like home," they remarked.

There is "snow" possible way that these puns can get worse.

It is time to chill on these puns.

As the big furry hat said to the warm wooly scarf, “You hang around while I go on ahead."

Some folks sat on all the snow and ended up with "polaroids."

The Dairy Queen was really busy during this cold spell. They sold out of blizzards very quickly.

Hope you are not getting ice-sick-le from these cold puns.

Actually, I am getting a cold shoulder from writing this column.

There will be "zero" response I bet to this chilling column.

Ladies, if this cold spell happens again make sure to wear a lot of cold cream to keep you face in good shape.

Some folks pulled all the food out of their freezers so that they could crawl in and stay warm.

I'm actually having a lot of "pun" doing this.

I am "snow" excited.

Alright this should suff-ice for now.

It was so cold that we had to chop up our piano for wood for our fireplace. But, we only got two chords.

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa. Submit your jokes or smiles to