Welcome back snowbirds and those new ones to the Emerald Coast. A punny time is to be had.
Be sure to participate in the many snowbird activities. I hope to keep you in groans for a few months.
Here's a bit of advice.
Careful driving along Miramar Beach and all its banks. You just might get withdrawal symptoms.
If you have arthritis problems and your spouse has rheumatism, pay the doctor out of your joint account.
Might be a good idea to learn sign language! It might come in handy.
When eating at one of the many restaurants, check to see if the chef is a clown. The food might taste funny.
If you go to a foot clinic, be ready to bare your sole.
Go and hear Rich at McGuires and his special songs like "Give Me Back My Heart I Ordered Liver,” or Willie Nelson's song “On The Commode Again" or Glen Campbell's "By The time I Get My Kleenex."
Refrain from all health food. You need all the preservatives you can get.
Be sure to wash your hands because you won't know where the soap has been.
A reminder that while at bingo games in the Catholic churches, they call the numbers in Latin so that the Protestants can't win.
If obese, you are not allowed to go skinny dipping.
If you intend on going to massage parlors, they might rub you the wrong way.
Isn't it a great time for all snowbirds? Silver in our hair, gold in our teeth, gas in our stomachs, iron in our blood and lead in our pants?
They say that gambling makes Biloxi a "bettor" place.
Playing golf down here it is hard to get on the greens, but the fringe benefits are great.
At our age, we need glasses. Glasses of scotch, glasses of beer, glasses of wine.
A good time to make a dental appointment is at tooth-hurty.
Many of the churches here are prayer-conditioned.
I went to a local fish restaurant and asked them if they served crabs and the waiter said, "Come on in. We serve anybody."
Don't milk any cows in electrical storms. You might get left holding the bag and that would be udder failure.
Snowbirds, sign up for bowling at the Hurricane Lanes. It is right up your alley. You go in and can hear a pin drop. But you are required to keep your mind out to the gutter. They have a special tournament with special cash prizes. You can win some pin money.
There are many church fish fries. Their motto, "In Cod We Trust."
Eat a lot of prunes down here. You'll get a good run for your money.
Remember, that a smile is a carnation in the buttonhole of life. It costs nothing and it is biodegradable. The smile fits all sizes and speaks all languages and has no side effects.
I must admit though that my materials don't get many laughs but the smiles are deafening.
All of us need to lighten up. Nobody is going to get out of this life alive.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to email@example.com.