One of my more academic snowbird column readers suggested that I use a few more academic exercises when using puns. Ergo, I present the following to accommodate this request.
Remember, these are scientific terms used in a sentence relating to science.
1. Eve's husband was called ATOM.
2. In the library, magazines and journals are placed on a PERIODIC TABLE.
3. The outer covering of an ox is the OXIDE.
4. When Reagan ran for president, Americans were urged to ELECTRON.
5. What secretaries do to their documents. PHYLUM.
6. What doctors do to their patients. HELIUM.
7. An attractively tall person is FAHRENHEIT.
8. A nickel a grade is better than a CENTIGRADE.
9. A prisoner lives in a CELL. Does she use a cellphone?
10. Hotel day rates are twice as cheap as NITRATES.
11. A short drapery is a VALENCE. If I squeeze the drapes, will I get drape juice?
12. An after dinner candy eaten by an elephant, is an ELEMENT.
13. "OSMOSIS!" said the man who received the Ten Commandments.
Here are some "exercises" you can do that will make you fit.
Beating around the bush; jumping to conclusions; wading through the morning paper; climbing the walls; dragging your heals; pushing your luck; jumping on the wagon; putting your foot in your mouth; bending over backwards for someone; hugging a friend; running around in circles; tooting your own horn; pulling out all stops; going over the edge; picking up the pieces; starting the ball rolling; putting up a fuss; adding fuel to the fire; kneeling in prayer; opening a can of worms.
There, feel better? You are now in shape for the shape you are in. No wonder you are tired.
Possible consolidations for the future.
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace company are going to consolidate and become HALE MARY FULLER GRACE.
Polygram records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers will unite and become POLLY WARNER CRACKERS.
3M merges with Goodyear and becomes MMMGOOD.
Zippo manufacturers, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining are joining and their new name will be ZIPAUDIDODA.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants uniting become POUPON PANTS.
Knotts Berry Farms and the National Organization of Women are joining to become KNOTT NOW.
You've heard about the busy bee, his sex is very hard to see.
But, he can tell, and so can she, that the bee is such a busy sole, he has no time at all for birth control!
And that is why in times like this, there are so many sons of bees!
Have you seen the new "delis" that serve punny sandwiches along the Emerald Coast?
The Swallows of Capastrami; Lox o'Luck; Pita Zadora;
Bagel, borrow and steal; 20,00 livers under the cheese; Sylvester Stalami; Ham-dunk; Ava-cada deal for you.
Have another punny weekend.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to firstname.lastname@example.org.