I never said that I was old and worn out, so I make sure that I don't go near the curb on trash day.

Yes, I've gotten old. Had two bypass surgeries, hip replacements, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 30 different medications, have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation in my hands and feet and can't remember whether I'm 77 or 87, but, thank God, I can still drive.

Are you like me? I'm glad that when I get out of the shower that the mirror is all fogged up.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

I feel free sharing my secrets with my old buddies. They can't remember them either.

I'm thinking of running away more now than I did as a kid. But by the time I put my teeth back in and find my glasses and car keys, I forget where I'm off to.

Seniors is the AGE OF AIDS.

Band aids, Rolaids, hearing aids, medical aids, government aid and, most of all, monetary aid to the kids.

Heard an elderly lady complaining that the only pole dancing she does is holding on to the bar in the shower.

Do you find now that the older we get, the earlier it gets late?

I told my grandson that it is perfectly normal to poop your pants, but he still makes fun of me.

Was a little embarrassed when my wife put a fire extinguisher beside the table when they lit all the candles on my birthday cake.

I've never played the bagpipes, but I have had a screaming 3-year-old kid on my shoulders.

While at Staples, I said, "I'll have your finest scotch." And the clerk handed me a 12-year-old roll of tape.

The seven ages of man. Spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

Do you realize that stars and false teeth are similar? Both come out at night.

I'm at the age when everything seems to click for me. My knees, my elbows and my neck.

OMG — I'm rich. Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystals in my kidneys, sugar in my blood, lead in my pants and iron in my arteries.

These are the years they call snapdragon years. The top part of our body has lost the snap and the rest is dragon.

I find that it is easy to roll out of bed in the morning. The hard part is getting up off the floor.

They tell me to act my age, but I've never been this age before, so how could I know what to do?

Went out drinking with the boys and because I imbibed more than my limit, I took the bus home. The only trouble with that is I've never driven a bus.

I am at that age when I pass a bathroom I say to myself, I might as well pee while I'm here.

I have finally reached the WONDER YEARS. I wonder where my glasses are, I wonder where I parked my car, I wonder where I left my cellphone and I wonder what day it is.

Seems I finally got my head together and now my body is starting to fall apart.

I'll never be over the hill. It's too darn hard to climb it.

People tell me that I'm heavier than I was a few years back. That's because of all the information I have in my head.

Told the doctor that I have a tendency to stumble into mirrors and she told me to watch myself.

Went to the doc and told her that I had red marks on my forehead and did she have something that could improve the situation. She told me that she didn't make rash decisions.

Have another punny day.

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to fribbitty@hotmail.com.