Hope you appreciate the linguistic bargains you are receiving with all this punny stuff. Two meanings for the price of one. Someone did say, that the PUN is mightier than the s-word.

Seafood restaurant employees be careful ... you might pull a mussel.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Oh, what a wondrous bird is the pelican. His beak holds more than his belican. He takes in his beak food enough for a week, but I'll be darned if I know how the helican. (Dixon Merritt)

Why do they put pain relievers in bottles it hurts to open?

Whenever I am asked to fill out an application form, it asks that in case of emergency, who should they notify. I put down my doctor. Why put my wife down ? What can she do?

Any idea why these words are dangerous? Balance, Shakespeare, elbow, crossword, begun and grimace. They all have weapons inside them.

People who eat yogurt are well cultured.

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.

Best place to eat along the highway is wherever there is a fork in the road.

So may companies are moving their corporate offices to St. Louis. That's because Missouri loves company.

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

About the Italian chef who passed away ... she pasta away.

Heard about a piper cub airplane that crashed into a Ferris wheel. The pilot

is coming around.

My pharmacist told me to stop taking vitamins. She said that I should pay for them just like everybody else.

I was given a miniature abacus for Christmas. As they say, it's the little things that count.

Willie Nelson's favorite song ... "On the Commode Again."

How about Bobby Darren ... "Splish, Splash I'm Having a Hot Flash."

Herman and the Hermits ... "Mrs. Brown, You Have a Lovely Walker."

Glen Campbell ... "By the Time I Find My Kleenex."

If somebody isn't smiling, give them one of yours.

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to fribbitty@hotmail.com.