Tracy Beckerman column: When yaks attack

Columns share an author’s personal perspective.

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I was sitting at my desk writing, with my trusty dog laying on the floor by my side, when all of a sudden, I heard this sound like someone was letting the air out of a tire. It went on for about five seconds and then stopped. I looked around the room to see if there was a gas leak or something … and that’s when I smelled it. It was like a cross between a toxic waste dump and a festering swamp. It was so bad my eyes began to cloud over and my eyebrows started to fall out of their follicles. That’s when I realized it WAS a gas leak. But it wasn’t a gas leak from the pipes. It was a gas leak from the dog. I looked down at him and saw that he hadn’t moved a muscle. Hadn’t even twitched. I had to wonder, how could something that noxious escape from his nether regions and not sear off the hair on his tail?

Fortunately, because of the pandemic, I had a face mask handy and I put it on before my nose hairs got singed and I lost all sense of smell, although right then, that would not have been a bad thing.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t figure out what had caused him to pass the kind of gas that was a veritable weapon of mass destruction. And then I remembered I had ordered a bone for him online that was made of Yak milk. Yak, of course, is not an animal we would generally run into here, so Yak milk is not widely available. This is probably because no one wants to get close enough to a yak to milk it. But the online pet store I ordered from said Yak milk bones are easily digestible and great for big chewers, like my dog. It said nothing about the fact that while Yak milk bones might be easily digestible, they have a residual effect that results in a fart that could flatten a WWE champion.

Naturally, I would feel bad if the dog was physically distressed by the “Yak Yucks,” as I decided to call them. But he seemed completely unfazed by his nuclear butt emissions. It occurred to me that a dog that liked to roll in dead things in the yard probably wouldn’t care if he made my house smell like a bog. However, I would feel guilty if he wiped out the entire planet with his gas, which was a distinct possibility considering how it was affecting me.

I decided I needed to consult with my veterinarian before things got worse, and by worse, I mean caused the paint to peel off my walls and the tile to buckle on my floors. She said if he had no other symptoms than gas, it was okay to give the dog some GasX to remedy the gas leak.

Later, when my husband got home, the dog’s gas had dissipated, but the house still smelled a little like a men’s locker room after the Superbowl.

“What’s that smell?” he said, pinching his nose.

“We had a gas leak,” I said.

“Did you call the gas company?” he said.

“Something like that,” I replied.

“What did they say?”

“Shut off the main valve,” I said. “And don’t give the dog anymore Yak.”

You can follow Tracy on Twitter @TracyBeckerman and become a fan on Facebook at www.facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage.