SNOWBIRD SILLIES: Finding fun in food, flu

Patrick McAlpine

Here is some food for thought. Imagine these at Winn-Dixie and Publix:  

•A sign outside the stores saying "Garden of Eatin' "

•Celery section: Quit stalking and dip, dip, hooray.

•In the produce section, imagine a big sign saying, "Our corn smiles from ear to ear” or “When pirates buy our corn, they pay a buccaneer.”

•In the poultry section: Our hens are so tough, they lay hard-boiled eggs. Real egg-citing isn't it? Don't egg me on. Dozen it make you groan?

•In the meat section, you might see: “We have a lot at steak!” I never sausage a good selection. This is the wurst section. Pleased to meat you, though!

•Bakery section: You'll never catch us loaf-ing. Donut tease me. Ya need a lot of dough to come up with this stuff.

•Dairy section: Sacred milk here! Holy cow!

And now for your veggie pop-quiz.

•What veggie is like a decaying automobile? A car-rot.

•Which vegetable asks permission? Lettuce

•Which veggie is like a rotating irritation? Spin-ach

•Which veggie goes to the beach? Zucchini

•Which veggie is a relative to water getter? Pump-kin

•Which veggie is found at house fires? Chard

•Which vegetable always wins? Beets

•Which veggie is like a telephoning florist? Cauliflower

•One of the university coaches was asked to participate in the Sugar Bowl, but he declined, saying, "I can't! I am a diabetic!"

•Eat soup for ten consecutive days and you will have bad broth.

•A little kid asked, "What is Lent?" The kid replied, "It's the stuff that's in my belly button!"

•Fat Tuesday is always fun. Last year, though, I ate 12 pancakes and felt waffle later.

•I am going to put Mexican jumping beans in my pancakes. They will flip themselves.

•If I take an empty bag to church with me, am I sack-religious?

•Want to be rich? Buy 50 pigs and 50 deer … then you will have one hundred sows and bucks.

•If I work at night, can I have a bad day?

Kids aren't stupid, are they? When asked the question, they replied:

•Where is Solomon's temple? On the side of his head, of course!

•What do they call dads in the sunny south? South paws!

•What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Flu time coming dance — author unknown

Choose your partners, one and all

aspirin, Advil or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all ye got

one minute cold, the next minute hot.

Circle right, to the side of the bed,

grab the tissues and the Sudafed!

Back to the middle, and don’t goof off,

hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget all about slippers, dash down the hall,

toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Remembers others on the brink

wash your hands, wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknobs, light switch, too

by gosh, you’ve got it, you are doing the flu.

Some like it cold, some like it hot,

if you like neither, get your flu shot!

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described "edutainer" and a Canadian snowbird from Ottawa. McAlpine is hosting Funology (laughter, fun and trivia) Mondays at 10 a.m. at the Senior Center next to the Destin History and Fishing Museum. He’ll also be writing a weekly humor column on Wednesdays with The Destin Log through his stay in February. Submit your jokes or smiles to time coming dance — author unknown