SNOWBIRD SILLIES: Valentine’s Day for groan-ups and presidential pun-ditry

Patrick McAlpine

Valentine's day is a love-ly day.  Happy Valentine's Day to all with some poetry and puns!

Won't you be my Valentine?

It really would be neat…

The very first time I saw you,

My pacemaker skipped a beat.                          

Fancy verse and flowers

won't make you a winner.

If you're after my heart,

Then, take me out to dinner.

My love is like a cabbage, divided into two,

The leaves I give to others, but my heart I keep for you

Knock, knock! Who's there?

"Celeste!"  "Celeste who?"

"Celeste time I’m going to ask you to be my Valentine!"

Roses are red, violets are blue;

orchids are $ 79.99.

Will dandelions do?

Roses are red, violets are blue.

The jeweler made me give your ring back...

The money was due!

Male magnet to the female magnet on Valentine's Day: "I'm attracted to you!"

Other than celebrating love, it’s also time for a Hail to the Chief or two. To celebrate President's Day, why not study the humorous things, which they said or were said about them. Remember, there is not much fun in medicine, but there is a lot of medicine in fun!

•Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Boy, do I have a deal for you!"

•When asked what made him jump out of his boat and save others, JFK replied, "Somebody sank my darn boat!"

•Ulysses S. Grant: In 1860, Grant gave philanthropist Horace Norton a cigar. He decided not to smoke it and keep it as a memento of their meeting. On his death, the cigar was passed on to his son and then again to his son. At a reunion in 1932, the son was giving a speech and took out the cigar, lit it in tribute to his Granddad the president and it went bang. It exploded. Seventy years later, the joke was on Grant.

•Calvin Coolidge was a person of a few words. Most of the time he snswered questions in two words. At a dinner party, two fellows had s bet. One fellow told the other that he could get Silent Cal to say more than two words and the friend bet him $100. The fellow approached the president and explained that he had a bet with his buddy for $100 and could get him to reply in more than two words. Coolidge’s reply was "You lose!"

•Teddy Roosevelt said "This sand paper is really rough, rough, rough! I just can't bear this!"

•James Madison: "Dolly, can I please have some of that ice cream?"

•Andrew Jackson had a "duel" personality... After all he was involved in about 100 duels and brawls.

•William McKinley was the first president to use a telephone for campaigning. Can’t you just hear him saying "Can you hear me now?"

•Herbert Hoover was a good "salary" citizen. In his 47 years as a politician, he donated his salary to charity.

•George H. W. Bush published the best "dog" gone book about his first dog Millie... Barbara did most of it. It had a few dog ears...

•Harry S. Truman: His wife Bess invited her friend to come and hear her hubby at a farmers meeting and he stated that the three most important things about farming were, manure, manure and more manure! Bess' friend asked her “could you not get him to use some other word. Her reply was "You don't know how long it took me to get him to say manure?"

•Ronald Reagan, after he was shot, spoke to Nancy and said, "Dear, I forgot to duck!"

•James Monroe: "No. Marilyn is not my daughter!"

•Harry Truman: "Dewey or don't we take the White House!"

•Jimmy Carter: "I won't serve as your president for peanuts!"

•Millard Fillmore: "Book 'em, Dano!" There were no books in the White House when they took over so he and his wife started a library.

•John Tyler: "Can you tip a canoe?"

•William Taft had a "ball" at the baseball game... after all, he was the first president to throw out the first ball.

•Woodrow Wilson tried to lose weight so he could win the no-belly prize.

•Andrew Johnson when asked about the possibility of getting the northern land from the Russians, replied, "Alaska!"

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described "edutainer" and a canadian snowbird from ottawa. Mcalpine is hosting funology (laughter, fun and trivia) mondays at 10 a.m. At the senior center next to the destin history and fishing museum. He’ll also be writing a weekly humor column on wednesday’s with the destin log through his stay in february. Submit your jokes or smiles to