RON HART: America’s World Cup doesn’t runneth vver — our borders do

Ron Hart, The Hart Beat

CHATTANOOGA, TENN.  — The U.S. soccer team did the impossible — they briefly got Americans interested in soccer. We Americans do not like a sport where the score seems to be always 0 to 0. I scored more in junior high school. Well, maybe the same.

Most countries fervent about soccer take the day off for the World Cup, although they will shut down for pretty much anything at any time if it involves drinking and the possibility of a fist fight. Most soccer countries have a riot-based economy anyway.

FIFA, the world soccer, tax-exempt organization that puts on the World Cup, is about as corrupt as the UN. Yet when our country is involved, even if it involves cock fighting, we patriotically care.

Obama pitched his Chicago to FIFA for the World Cup and lost to Qatar. He brought in Bill Clinton make the case for bringing this soccer event to the USA. Bill had a proven track of conducting off the record business under the table. But you could tell Clinton’s heart wasn't in pitching for a game where men cannot use their hands.

With Hondurans, Guatemalans and Nicaraguans just waltzing across our borders for free welfare, health care, education and to take our jobs, we are becoming a soccer loving country more and more each day. Where are our goalies on our borders?

Fifteen million Americans watched the U.S. team in the World Cup, which probably corresponds to the number of illegal aliens now living in our country. All 15 million of these fans went to various bars and stadiums to watch the games, yet they only took 500 cars.

Germany played Argentina in the final game. The only folks who were more torn about who to pull for than we Americans were the ex-Nazis living in Argentina since World War II. Historically, the countries who played well in the World Cup were Germany, Argentina, Uruguay, Brazil and Paraguay. For those at the Simon Wiesenthal Center, it was like a Nazi hunter’s “Flee” Market.

Iraq clearly had no chance of winning its matches. When play heated up, Iraqi players took off their American-made uniforms, threw them on the ground for the other team to take, and ran.

The USA barely grasps the concept of World Cup soccer. If we play Afghanistan, Korea, Germany, Japan or Iraq, we either have to win or go home. There is no option in soccer whereby we can spend $1 trillion dollars and occupy those countries for 10 years so that we might claim victory.

Germany won it all, after another exciting 0 to 0 tie in 113 minutes of kickball. There was a lot of pressure for Germany's players to win. If they did not, many of them had plans to go into hiding with their grandparents in Argentina until things cooled down.

All countries revert to type. Once Germany rolled over Argentina, they wanted to go on to conquer Austria and Czechoslovakia and then Poland.

Germany dominated three teams to get to the championship. Their fans, all pumped up about their conquests, united in a patriotic frenzy and started singing pro-German songs in the stadium. What could go wrong? I suggest we keep an eye on their Instagrams on Throwback Thursday. They might be frightening.

During the same week as the win, German Chancellor Angela Merkel found out that the Obama administration had been spying on her — again. Earlier this year our NSA tapped her cell phone. Only our government could look at Angela Merkel and say, “Yeah, I’d tap that.”

Germany and Japan topped the BBC poll of most popular countries. It is astonishing that we are firm allies of both Japan and Germany after two brutal world wars. I guess producing Heidi Klum and top-notch automobiles goes a long way toward mending feelings about past war crimes.

Germany does have its fiscal act together and is a great friend to the U.S. Yes, it did lose wars with the USA, Russia and Britain that it started, but the country should be ranked in the top 10 just based on strength of schedule.

If you love your country’s soccer, you will now have to wait four years. It will take as long to get World Cup soccer back as it does to make a doctor’s appointment at our VA or to get the IRS to locate those lost emails.

Ron Hart is a syndicated op-ed humorist, author and TV/radio commentator. Email or at visit