HART: Hot Crazy Matrix—and Finding Yourself a Unicorn
“Women are made to be loved, not understood.” — Oscar Wilde
If you haven't seen the YouTube video called “The Hot Crazy Matrix,” please Google it and watch. It’s an important tutorial on dating, worthy of a Nobel Prize in science.
It is hard to argue with this video. First, like the manmade global warming narrative, it involves graphs and science and therefore cannot be denied. Second, the Franklin, Tenn., Alderman is wearing a sidearm and thus represents authority. The seven-minute retrospective is deep and goes a long way toward dispelling the PC clutter about male/female relationships.
We can’t have substantive discussions on matters of importance in America because we are a nation full of people just waiting to be offended by something. And if they aren’t offended, the liberal media are eager to tell people why they should be offended. Most of them are in Ferguson, Missouri now, fanning racial fires.
It seems everyone can produce a scientific study. One study says drinking wine and eating chocolate are good, but the next week another study says they're bad. I would think both men and women benefit when ladies drink. Alcohol lowers bad cholesterol, which is good for women, and it lowers their standards, which is good for us men. The same study determined that women who carry a little more weight live longer — certainly longer than men who point it out.
Another study concluded that most 50,000-year-old cave art drawings were done by women, proving that, since ancient times, men have had no say in decorating.
As a gender, we men are not much. Women’s expectations of us are way too high, leading to bitter disappointment upon marriage. To help manage the expectations of my two daughters, I have demonstrated over the years not to expect much from a man. Thus, they are happy now. Girls, you’re welcome.
The blame for women’s unrealistic expectations of men lands squarely on Hollywood's romantic comedies. For years girls have watched movies where a frumpy woman meets Hugh Grant. He is cute, listens, never married, likes to cuddle, and works in media or rescues kittens at a non-profit in New York. Yet, inexplicably, he lives in a $4 million, impeccably decorated brownstone. Yes ladies, these types of men exist. They are called gay.
In real life Hugh Grant was arrested for picking up a prostitute while dating model Elizabeth Hurley.
The guys in your office only watch ESPN and JackAss movies, sleep on a futon, have a FICO score of 2, and you do not want to look at their browser history.
Women mystify men. You ask questions like “Do you love me for my brain or my looks?” Don’t answer, men, it’s a trick! And women defy logic. We know you love garage sales. And you like lingerie. But as I found out the hard way, you don’t like lingerie from a garage sale.
Again I blame the media for women giving us mixed messages. You say you want to have substantive conversations. Yet we look at what you read, like articles in Cosmo Magazine on the Affordable Care Act titled “Five things about ObamaCare that will turn your man crazy in the bedroom,” or “Hillary gives a speech on Syria in sassy new Jimmy Choo shoes.”
How are we to interpret all this? “Women are from Venus, men from Mars.” Aside from being able to check out of a hotel room without making the bed, there are vast gender differences that government always wants to erase. Obama plays on the silly income inequality rhetoric. In his world, we all would make the same salaries, since unemployment and entitlement checks are equal. That’s his dream.
A guy friend of mine took the bait from his girlfriend and went to see a shrink about their relationship. (Guys, never do this; it will not turn out well.) After he spent a year and $5,000 on a psychologist on his “personal journey,” I asked him what he had learned. He found out that, deep down, he is really shallow.
In short, you cannot go wrong lowering your expectations of us and watching fewer romantic comedies. As Oscar Wilde noted after visiting the tacky Niagara Falls honeymoon hotels for the first time, it was the first of many disappointments for young brides.
Just recognize that we are different, and enjoy the ride!
Ron Hart, a libertarian syndicated op-ed humorist, award-winning author and TV/radio commentator can be reached at Ron@RonaldHart.com or visit www.RonaldHart.com.