RON HART: The productive life of Toystory the bull
There was sad news in the breeding world last week. Toystory, the bull that set the world record for producing offspring, died.
The Wall Street Journal did a fascinating front page story on this randy beast saying “Rare is the bull with the genes and testicular fortitude to sell a million units of semen.”
In the cutting edge world of cow insemination and reproduction, Toystory was a legend. He sired offspring in 50 different countries. He was the Bill Clinton of international relations.
My first thought was that the hulking Holstein was shot by another angry bull, but no. He was bred for years, earning tens of millions of dollars for his owners. These days, bulls put to stud yield more than Treasury bonds in our high-tech farming business.
He lived a productive life, fathering an estimated half a million offspring. I would imagine he is in line for posthumous induction into the NBA Hall of Fame. He put up numbers that no NBA player has been able to match — so far. If Wilt Chamberlain stays healthy, maybe he can catch Toystory.
I kid the NBA, but it has had some remarkable fathering stories. Basketball pro Jason Collins was outed for being gay because the accounting office that wrote players’ checks never saw any court orders for child support garnishments. So Collins had to come out as gay. Sadly, he was later released by his team and remains a free agent. Sources close to Collins say there has been some interest from Chicago — not the Bulls but the touring company of the musical.
The Wall Street Journal got folks to opine on Toystory. “It is very possible that no other bull will ever surpass his record,” said Keith Heikes, CEO of Genex, which owned the stud. One veterinarian called Toystory “meaner than a snake,” and most feared him. There are actually stories that a cow once attacked a farmer and ate him. But to be fair, if this one incident did happen, we humans are still way ahead of cattle in this area.
“The old adage was that as long as he was interested in sex, he was not interested in you,” said Glen Gilbert, VP for Production at Genex (which I believe is that same slogan for Tinder). Toystory produced sperm about nine times a week, approximately twice that of other bulls and about on par with Charlie Sheen.
Bulls come and go, but not as much as Toystory. When he came around, this bull meant business. My guess is he was a man on a mission, and probably not much of a cuddler afterwards.
The good folks at Genex arranged the cow liaisons for Toystory. They got their training from being Arkansas State Troopers in the early 90s.
I would encourage the SEC Football commissioner to look into the brave new world of breeding technology and then put Archie Manning and Hershel Walker out to stud. This might ensure that there is not another College Bowl Championship without an SEC team.
Being a diligent journalist, I researched Toystory. The farm animal semen business is a shockingly big one. It has had billions in revenues and is on the rise. Farmers use liquid nitrogen to ship 1/20th of a teaspoon for insemination of cows around the world. Much has been made of the high-tech boom in America, but few realize the amazing innovation and productivity of farming.
Quality bull seed is valuable. Last year, thieves absconded with $350 worth of bull semen in a brazen theft from a Wisconsin farm. The perps were described as wearing cow outfits and were said to be armed, dazed and unable to sit down for weeks.
The high-stakes farming industry requires the pursuit of better genetics so cows are more productive, and competition to raise quality beef has sparked innovation. The London Guardian did a story about French farmers letting their cows drink a gallon of Burgundy each day to make them produce more tender beef. It didn’t work. The only things these cows would do after the red wine was to end up drunk, texting Toystory and asking “ ‘Sup, Player?”
In a memorial to his prowess, Toystory was laid to rest on the Genex farms. It was quite a funeral, with an open casket. It probably had to be.
Ron Hart, a libertarian syndicated op-ed humorist, award-winning author and TV/radio commentator can be reached at Ron@RonaldHart.com or visit www.RonaldHart.com.