Get in the spirit with these Christmas groaners

Patrick McAlpine

On Dec. 25, Panamanians shout "Merry Isthmus!"

Show me a person who is afraid of Christmas and I'll show you Noel Coward.

Christmas trees are like bad knitters because they both drop their needles.

At this time of the year, British people sing Yule Britannia, Britannia Yules the way ...

On Christmas Day, mother is the one who separates the men from the toys.

Folks in the desert at this festive season sing, Oh Camel all Ye Faithful.

A teenager claimed that he got a shirt size 14 from his grandma but his neck was size 18. He sent a thank you note back to her saying, "Thanks for the present. I'd like to say more, but I'm all choked up."

The most frequent question that kids ask the store mall Santa Claus is "Where is the bathroom?"

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first ... money or your feet.

Others refer to this time of the year as the "wrap" race.

What Santa says when he falls down the chimney backwards, "Oh, Oh, Oh."

My favorite trick at Christmastime is reaching under the Christmas tree when no one is around and taking all the labels off the presents.

The teacher asked her students to name the baby that lay in the crib and little Johnny replied, "Hey miss, I know. The baby's name is 'Wayne.'" 

How do you get that Johnny?

You know miss, 'cause in the song it says, "A Wayne in a Manger."

Remember the Christmas classic song," While shepherds wash their socks by night?"

Or, angels we have heard get high.

How about hark the hairy angel sings?

Kids were asked to name two angels and little Betty replied, 'Hark" and" Harold."

They even sing the "mouthwash" carol today. You'll go down in Listerine. (You'll go down in history)

Reindeer with upset stomachs take elk-a-seltzer.

The bad mannered reindeer is Rude-olph.

For Christmas, Prancer wants a sleigh station.

The Christmas carol that makes us very thirsty is the" First No-well."

If you can't be merry at Christmastime, then you can drive the rest of us home when we are.

Victor Borge said, "Santa has it right. He visits people only once a year."

Santa will not be able to go down the chimney this year. It has been declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety commission.

During the Christmas season eggnog-stics are very uncomfortable ... I'll drink to that ... Egg-citing.

The difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary one is that there is NOEL.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen let nothing you dismay, unless its all the Christmas bills your wife expects you to pay.

Remember that old classic carol? Gingle bells, shotgun shells, sister ran away, oh what fun it is to ride in a stolen Chevrolet.

The way parents are buying for Christmas, it looks like Santa won't be the only one in the red.

Seems that Christmas shoppers have the spirit of brotherly shove this year.

Would you believe my grandkids have put up stretch stockings on the mantle this year?

At our local animal hospital, they have a sign out saying, "Meowy Christmas and a Yappy New Year."

Santa's elves are singing a familiar tune while working in the workshop up in the North Pole. They're singing "Love me Tender" 'cause they're Santa's little Elvis.

It's really tough on their elf esteem, though! If they don't do what he says, he will sack them.

A couple of teens are standing outside a church watching the parishioners going in and one teen said to the other, "I don't know who this Carol Service is, but she sure is packing them in."

A very Merry Christmas to you all. Let this be the best Christmas of all.

Pat McAlpine is a Canadian snowbird from Ottawa, Ontario. His motto is, "A smile is a carnation in the buttonhole of life."