SNOWBIRD SILLIES: In one year and out the other
On the first of January, the jar of paste mad a "glue" year's resolution.
The dynamiters' union held a New Years Eve Party and it was a blast.
New Year's sign posted in a dry cleaning store — "If the drinks are on you, see us."
As the cosmetic surgeon said to Vincent Van Gogh," Have a Happy New Ear."
For sale — solid oak toilet seat — for the rumpteeth time, we bring you this quality solid oak toilet seat. Why this persistent stool pitchin'? Because people are buying them like it's no potty's business. We have a hunch that the handsome dark oak finish is at the bottom of this continuous demand. So, if you've been reared on the finer things in life, don't let anyone talk you out of this toilet seat. Just tell them that "It's my potty and I'll buy if I want to." Why not take it with you to the New Years' Eve Potty. (Tom Nelson )
New Year's Day — Time to get the blood out of your eyes and back into your veins. — A time when LIQUORMORTIS sets in.
Remember this is Mummers' Day too. The Swede settlers in the 1600s fired weapons into the air to honor Christmas and entertained neighbors with desserts and drinks. It is the oldest folk festival in America.
Polish Americans celebrated as well with string bands, sequins, feathers and lots of music. Especially in Philadelphia with costumes, masks and masquerades. Mummer is a German word meaning disguise.
Ergo, happy Mummers' Day.
New Year's Resolutions — Eve promised not to talk to any sssssssssnakes.
Nero resolved to quit fiddlin' around.
Franz Schubert was told to finish what he started.
The designer of the Leaning Tower of Pisa said he would try to straighten up.
Jack Horner promised to stay in the corner.
General Custer said he wasn't going to wear another arrow shirt.
Little Red Riding Hood promised to always ask Grandma for positive identification.
Employees at all local radio stations promise to work for the love of mike in 2017.
I promise to refrain from swearing in the New Year because it sounds like hell.
Lebron James of the Cleveland basketball team hoops to have a great 2017.
Henry VIII promised to stop going to chopping centers in 2017.
Montezuma resolved to stop going to the trots.
Adam said, I will stop eves dropping in the new year.
I hope that 2017 will be like toilet paper. Long and useful.
The Pope requests that all Catholics contact him through his fax machine. Use his new number ... Fax Vobiscum.
In 2017, I promise not to accept a drink from a urologist.
I had better stop. I'm getting jest pains.
I promised my wife that I would stop impersonating flamingoes. Therefore, I'm going to put my foot down in 2017.
As a golfer, I promise to become a scratch golfer. I will write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad scores.
When painting the church in 2017, I promise not to add water to the paint so that I don't use too much paint. I will repaint and thin no more.
As Lady Godiva exclaimed on the eve of Dec. 31st, "I draw near my clothes!"
Nobody would sing with me in 2016, so I am going to purchase a duet-yourself kit in 2017.
I promise not to serve "illegitimate champagne next New Years .... apparently our guest stated that this year's champagne didn't have any "pop."
New Years' toast — Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year, everybody.
Pampers incorporated had a New Years Eve "potty."
I am going to lose 25 pounds in 2017. Maybe that is wishful shrinking.
My wish for you this 2017: `
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your ophthalmologist, your psychiatrist , your cardiologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your gynecologist, your podiatrist, your plumber and I.R.S.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your love handles and your socks never fail,
And may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, your weight.
And your property assessments never increase.
May you be sensitive to the needs of others and create within yourself a balance of your own needs.
May you laugh at yourself and realize if you were supposed to touch your toes while exercising,
The good Lord would have placed them further up, and may you realize the reason so many people
Take up jogging again is to hear heavy breathing once again.
May what you see in the mirror delight you and what others see in you delight them.
May someone love you enough to accept and forgive your faults and be blind to your blemishes,
And tell the whole cotton pickin' world about your virtues.
May you live in a world at peace with an awareness of the beauty of every sunset
Every flower, every child's smile and every wonderful astonishing beat of your own heart.
Above all, may you continue to smile, may your life be filled with laughter and may you never forget these words.
"A gloomy spirit rots the bones, but a merry heart is like good medicine." (Author unknown)
Pat McAlpine is a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa, Ontario. His motto is, "A smile is a carnation in the buttonhole of life."