SNOWBIRD SILLIES: Paws-itively pawsome puns

Pat McAlpine

Here is a compilation of doggone punny dog-related stories and one-liners. This is the doggone truth. Many readers asked for more dog-gone jokes so, I oblige.

• My buddy has two dogs he calls Timex and Rolex. When asked why, he replied, "That's because they are watchdogs."

• About the lady who bought a dog and called it Ben and them found out that it was a female. So she changed the name to Ben-Her.

• A dog's favorite musical: "The 'Hounds' of Music."

• I call my dog Mechanic, because every time I throw something at him, he makes a bolt for the door.

• What Lady Macbeth said to her dog: 'Out, Out, Damn, Spot."

• My dog chases its tail because it wants to make both ends meet.

• This famous waterway is visited by many dogs ... The Panama Kennel.

• They say for dogs that the best things in life are flea.

• My karma ran over my dogma.

• My neighbor calls their dog Pyramid. That's because it leaves a pyramid in every room.

• Another neighbor's dog is called Handy because she always leaves odd jobs all over the yard.

• Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking news items, which if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. — from Dave Barry

• Most dog mistakes are caused by their faux pas.

• "My dog keeps barking at the front door. He doesn't want to go out, he just wants me to leave." — from Rodney Dangerfield

• Someone crossed an Irish setter and a Christmas plant and got a pointsetter.

• A woman caught her dog chewing the morning newspaper — she took the words right out of his mouth.

• Every time the doorbell rings, our dog goes and sits in the corner. Reason: It's a boxer .

• The main ingredient in dog biscuits is collie-flour.

• They are now training dogs to sniff watermelons for pesticides, kind of like the way dogs sniff luggage for drugs. They call them melon collies.

• Saw a lawn sign placed in a flower garden which read, "Dogs, please don't peonies."

• I call my dog Dollar, but since our loonie has dropped, I call it "68" cents.

• My dog failed her driving test ... she couldn't parallel bark.

• In the dog-eat-dog economy, the Doberman is the boss.

• Fella down the street calls his dog Frost and that is because he bites — Frostbite.

• I am bragging, but my dog is smart. She went to summer school and was awarded a Barkalaureate degree.

• If your dog loses its tail, take her to the retail store.

• Why is your dog sitting in the corner? The owner replied, "Because he has been a bad doggie."

"What did he do?"

"Yesterday, he got expelled from obedience school. "

Pat McAlpine is a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa, Ontario. His motto is, "A smile is a carnation in the buttonhole of life."