SNOWBIRD SILLIES: Enjoy this potpourri of groaners

Patrick McAlpine
Patrick McAlpine

Old, you say. When I go to the grocery store, at the checkout counter they ask me if I want plastic or paper bags and I reply, "No thanks. I'm bagsacksual."

In my day, when the telephone rang, I knew it was on the wall. Today it could be in the chair cushions, bathroom, bed or laundry room.

At my age, "getting lucky" is finding my car in the parking lot.

I have reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

They say that Mozart used to lose his cool during performances. He needed to compose himself.

Kids seem to go through stages. First they call us Da Da, then Daddy and finally they call us collect.

Latin scholars used to say "Semper Letteris Mandate." Always get it in writing.

Why is it that my golf ball always travels farther when I hit it in the wrong direction?

I complained in a coffee shop that the coffee tasted like mud. The waitress replied, “It should. It was just ground a few minutes ago."

Professor Cole, a noted scientist, discovered the perfect ratio for mixed cabbage, carrots, onions and mayonnaise. It is called Coles' Law.

Book spotted on the library shelf — "Inflammation" by Arthur Ritis.

Someone broke into my house and stole my external drive. That really got my backup.

To get his attention, Attila's wife would say, "Over here, Hun."

The Egyptian Pharaoh who played the trumpet was Tootin' Kamen.

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, and I gave her super glue instead, by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

Ever wonder how billboards talk to one another? It's by sign language.

Went to a stylish restaurant and when the waitress said I had a wait problem, I left.

Friend of mine is a bigamist. He just loved two well.

The doctor told me to play 32 holes today, so I bought a harmonica.

By the way, I may not be funny, good looking or smart. Sorry, I forgot where I was going with this.

Found out that I am good at multi-tasking. I can listen and forget, all at once.

I weigh 246 pounds on Earth but only 86 on Mars. I'm not overweight, I'm just on the wrong planet.

Enjoy the Emerald Coast. Get some sun-on-the-beach.

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to