LOCAL

SNOWBIRD SILLIES: Christmas is a 'punny' time

Patrick McAlpine
Patrick McAlpine

What happens when you throw dynamite down a well at Christmas time? Noel, noel, noel, noel.

I ate that silver stuff that decorates the Christmas tree and ended up with tinsilitis.

Kid came home from the school concert and her parents asked her what hymn they sang. "Oh, it was the one about the King that nobody liked." The parents were confused. The kid replied, "Oh yes, you do. It's the one about Good King Wences-the-Louse."

A couple of teenagers were standing outside a church watching the parishioners going in. One remarked, "I don't know who this CAROL SERVICE is, but she certainly is packing them in."

An elderly lady went to the post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. She asked for 50 stamps and the clerk asked her, "What denomination?" She said," It's got to that point has it. O.K., I'll have 10 Catholic, 10 Anglican, 10 United, 10 Baptist and 10 Methodist."

People are singing "God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay, unless it's all the Christmas bills your wife expects you to pay."

Anybody remember singing this Christmas ditty? Jingle bells, shotgun shells, sister ran away; Oh what fun it is to ride in a stolen Chevrolet.

I bought my wife a brand new watch for Christmas. It was water proof, shock proof, unbreakable, anti-magnetic, crystal dials and shone in the dark. The sales person told me that absolutely nothing could happen to it ... my wife lost it.

A mother was talking to friends and said, "I got a visit from a jolly bearded fellow with a great big bag over his shoulder this Christmas. My son came home from college with his laundry."

A wife discussed Christmas presents with her husband and stated, "Let's give each other sensible gifts this Christmas, like ties and fur coats."

Christmas is a time where folks get Santamental.

Christmas greetings at the animals shelter. Meowy Christmas and a yappy New Year.

Did you look for that special gift for that special person?

A pair of genes for a geneticist ... Castanets for the fisherman .... Bobby socks for the English police lady .... Links for the golfer ... Pullover for the policeman ... A book for your special travel agent ... Tap shoes for the plumber ... Yarn for the storyteller friend ...

Pants for the jogger ... A chessboard for the bishop .... Oranges for the naval engineer ... and nail polish for that carpenter friend.

Make this Christmas one that you will never forget — charge everything.

A man and his wife were touring Russia. Their guide's name was Rudolph and he and the husband argued all the time. As the couple was leaving Moscow, the husband commented. "Look, it's snowing out." No, sir, argued the guide. "It is raining out." "No, replied the husband, I still say that it is snowing out." The wife got involved and proclaimed," No, Rudolph the Red Knows Rain Dear."

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described "edutainer" and a Canadian snowbird from Ottawa. He’ll be writing a weekly humor column with The Destin Log. Submit your jokes or smiles to fribbitty@hotmail.com.