LOCAL

SNOWBIRD SILLIES: Is your laugh tank on empty?

Patrick McAlpine
Patrick McAlpine

'Tis the month after Christmas and all through the house, Nothing will fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I nibbled, the eggnog I did taste,

Holiday parties have gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a clatter,

When I walk to the store (less a walk than lumber).

I remember the marvelous meals I prepared

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, And the way I never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dress myself in my husbands' old shirt,

And prepare once again to battle the dirt.

I said to myself, as only I can...

"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man."

So, away with the last sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,

Until all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick, I will only chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits or corned beef or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quickly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm starving and life is a bore,

But, isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot, Happy New year to all and all a good diet. — from the Internet

My doctor has put me on a new diet for 2016. I can eat anything that I want. I just can't swallow it.

Remember to wash your hands thoroughly this year. You never know where that soap has been.

I am saving all burned out light bulbs. I want to be able to use them in my dark room.

If I become a vegetarian in 2016, will I become a good "salad" citizen?

Going on a diet in the new year? Jog to the paint store. You can get thinner there.

Talk about inflation. Pumpernickel is now Pumperdime.

I am also going on a fish diet in 2016. Boy, will I have a lot of bones to pick.

Libraries are installing two new systems this year ... They already have the DEWEY system.

They are installing the HUEY & LUEY systems as well.

Save water in 2016. Shower with a friend.

Dr. Jekyll comes south yearly so that he can TAN HIS HYDE.

I can't stop eating chips. That makes me a liability at the Biloxi Casino.

Hey kids, respect your parents. They passed their grades without using google.

Seniors be very careful with your medication. Under no circumstances should you take a sleeping

pill and a laxative pill on the same night.

I took vitamins A, B, C, D, E. F and G ... and still feel like "H."

I chose cremation for my burial rather than the traditional way, the reason being it will show

that I can think outside the box.

You may find me walking the Emerald Coast streets looking for a lady in a polka-dot dress. When I find her, I will approach her and offer her a cent and then say, "A penny for your dots."

Pat McAlpine is a Canadian Snowbird from Ottawa, Ontario. His motto is, "A smile is a carnation in the buttonhole of life."