RON HART: Lil' Kim — Failure to launch

Ronald J. Hart
Ron Hart

Another saber rattling exhibition by North Korea happened over the weekend. Scared by Trump's bombing of Syria and Afghanistan, evil dictator Kim Jong-un tried to fire an intercontinental ballistic missile, but it barely made it off the launching pad. He immediately executed 10 military officers. He then ordered his state-employed missile scientists to examine the level of Mentos and Coca-Cola used and to adjust them for the next launch.

By way of background, the mid-thirties Kim Jong-un is new to the evil dictating business. He has a Super Cuts-gone-wrong haircut from the k.d. lang Collection. He is fat; maybe that is what endears him to his people. Twenty-five million starving North Koreans under the communist thumb of Kim Jong-un love to see their leader eating good in the neighborhood.

The 35-year-old Lil’ Kim inherited the evil dictator business from his dad, Kim Jong-il, who got it from his dad, Mentally Il, who acquired North Korea in a hostile takeover in 1948. They are all ruthless and have killed more uncles than cigarettes.

Kim Jong-un is the third son of Kim Jong-il (“Un” is Korean for “W”), who died a few years back. Un was chosen over his two older brothers Kim Jong-Tito, and Kim Jong-Jermaine, to run the family evil dictating business.

The elder Kim (il) was buried with his sun glasses on and an ample supply of his beloved Viagra. I hear it was an open casket; so many years of Viagra use made the casket uncloseable. Then-Vice President Joe Biden attended the funeral and, upon seeing Kim Jong-il lying in state with his oversized sunglasses facing skyward, Biden might have thought he was a solar energy company and gave him $500 million of taxpayer money.

In fact, the North Korean media, MS-DMZ, will not even say that the "great leader" Kim Il-sung is dead, just that he entered a sleeping contest and, as always, is winning bigly.

Supposedly, North Korea will soon have a nuclear missile that can reach California. When the Kardashian girls heard the news they got excited – finally, an Asian restaurant that delivers! Personally, I am not worried about their missile capability until a missile can reach one of our good states—like one that has an SEC football team.

Lil' Kim has hydrogen and nuclear bomb technology. North Korean scientists discovered hydrogen bomb technology when they were trying to develop a way for Kim Jong-un to take a bubble bath while still wearing his military medals.

Trump sent the USS Carl Vinson aircraft carrier to the Korean Peninsula recently. Last time, Obama sent the USS John McCain to the region, but the ship took a while to get there because of the need for so many men’s room stops en route. John Kerry wanted to send B52’s to the region — the Georgia rock band, not the airplane — because at the time James Taylor was deployed to France.

Maybe Lil' Kim is not as hapless as he seems. He might be shooting all these missiles out into the ocean around North Korea to form some sort of barrier reef protective shield against the ships we are sending.

The last display of petulance like this by Kim was in response to a North Korean girl band not being well received in China. This concerned U.S. intelligence. Pentagon officials fear that North Korea might be just four years out from developing a boy band.

Kim blustered that he would use his high-tech missiles, which he says can reach Los Angeles, to obliterate America. Since he likes mistresses, cognac, Viagra, cocaine and communism, military experts feel he would not bomb L.A. out of professional courtesy.

Trump has called upon his new bestie, the leader of China, to ask North Korea to chill. China does not want regime change or a war in North Korea because tens of millions of refugees would stream over the border to China — millions they would have to feed who don't even know how to make iPhones.

When North Korea threatened the United States, it was thought that fellow (supposedly) communist China would be the one who would calm things down. You’d think China would side with its fellow communist North Koreans. But when the U.S.A. owes China 1.3 trillion dollars, they want make sure we are OK.

A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron’s appears on CNN, Fox and NBC. He can be contacted at or @RonaldHart on Twitter.