RON HART: Tiger: Finding his way out of the Woods
Tiger Woods, who become his own cautionary tale, makes his biggest pitch for a redemptive comeback this week. And what better place to stage his comeback than The Masters Tournament?
It has been a tough decade for Tiger so far. You will remember that his wife, Elin, wanted to divorce him, citing irreconcilable waitresses. But she dropped the plan when she read her pre-nup. She just wanted Tiger to get his philandering under control and abide by the rules of golf, including the 14-club hostess limit. Then they settled, finally divorcing with one of the few non-disclosure agreements that worked.
Then Tiger hurt his back (I think by picking up too many pancake waitresses). He went to sex rehab, drug rehab and drunk camp. He’s been to Betty Ford so many times the cafeteria named a sandwich after him. He started dating Lindsey Vonn, so I guess he went back to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, and got his sex rehab treatments reversed.
When Tiger staged his first comeback, he played terribly. He seemed unable to drive a golf ball or a car. Harrison Ford hit more fairways with his plane than Tiger did during that year. Adolf Hitler spent less time in a bunker in 1945 than Tiger did in 2016.
Why would Tiger not want to return to playing on the PGA Tour? It’s a great life: You make the money of a Republican, have as much sex as a Democrat, and fly around in $60 million private Gulfstream jets like our FBI director.
Tiger got his DUI while he was on pain meds. The charge was dismissed because he said he was just swerving to miss a tree. It turned out the "tree" was the air freshener hanging on his rear-view mirror, but it held up in Florida.
Will he ever command the moral high ground it takes to hawk Buicks or AT&T? Most of his sponsors dropped him. The one that stayed with him the longest during that time was Lasik Eye Clinics — until ugly pancake waitress mistresses started to show up. I’m always shocked that gullible consumers think Tiger would ever drive a Buick or risk missing a booty call due to spotty AT&T cell coverage.
To his credit, Tiger handled it all with class. He didn’t go crying to Oprah or Dr. Phil. He never dated a Kardashian. He admitted his mistakes, and this time he seemed sincere. There are no winners when our sports heroes whimper. I cannot imagine Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain or Mickey Mantle doing interviews in a Dr. Phil-style, group therapy “mea culpa,” like Tiger has been advised to do. And, of course, Donald Trump never “culpas.”
Unless someone is physically hurt, when women who had consensual sex come out of the woodwork later for money or notoriety these famous men need to adopt the Trump Doctrine. Wait one news cycle and do something else imprudent to make them forget it.
A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron appears on CNN and Fox. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.