SNOWBIRD SILLIES: A few eating tips for Christmas

Patrick McAlpine
Patrick McAlpine

Avoid carrots when invited for Christmas dinner. If served, run next door. They will be serving tum balls.

Drink as much eggnog as possible. It’s the only time of the year you can sip on this delight even though it has 10,000 calories per glass.

Gravy — pour it on. Make a volcano with your mashed potatoes. Ask if the mashed potatoes are made of skim or whole milk. If the former, then pass.

Refrain from snacking before going to dinner at relatives. Eat all you can, it's free.

Most of all, no exercising between Christmas and New Years. Take long naps and just relax. Exercising is for the start of January.

At the buffet table block off other guests from the dessert table and take a slice of each kind of pie. You don't need a plate, just slice a piece and eat it right there.

Pass on that darned fruitcake. You can eat that in April just before it turns green. It is probably left over from last year anyway.

Show your talent by singing the camel's favorite Christmas carol — Oh, Camel all Ye Faithful.

At our church, all male parishioners were asked to assemble at the church to build a platform for the Nativity scene. Only one man refused to do so. When asked why, he said he was a pilot and that he would have nothing to do with a creche landing.

I realize I am getting old when the Santa Clauses start looking younger than I am.

Three fellas arrive at the Pearly Gates just before Christmas asking for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter demanded that they show something that signified the festive and holy season.

The first one took out a lighter and flicked it on and said, “This is like a candle with light.” The second reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys, jingled them and declared, “These are bells.”

The third man reached into his pocket and held up a pair of ladies panties. St. Peter, dumbfounded, inquired how these were associated with Christmas and the man smiled and said, “These are Carols.”

Enjoy the festive season and laugh a lot. A smile is a carnation in the buttonhole of life.

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to